The Jaffe-Files

A24

The Falconer provides a deeper insight into our shadowy new principal David Jaffe. This affable stranger has roamed the campus of TPHS for the past four weeks, and yet, who is he, really? Where has this enigmatic cherub sprung from? What lurks beneath that gleaming head? Most pressing of all, what has become of our dear former principal Boris Killeen? Er, we mean, Brad. Brad Killeen. Was it Brad? [Editor’s Note: Probably wasn’t Brad. Benjamin, maybe? Anyone with information regarding the first name of former Principal Killeen, please email us at falconer@tphs.net.]

Falconer: Hello, Commander Jaffe.

David Jaffe: Hi! You can just call me Mr. Jaffe.

Falc: Sorry, I assumed you would want students to address you by the title you used while employed in the special forces.

Jaffe: Special forces? I was never in the army. I do have an Uncle Gene who was in the Navy for a couple years. He has a bad back now, though, and lives in Boca Raton.

Falc: We’ll have to confirm that [Ed Note: Confirmed. Gene Jaffe, portly and unpleasant, lives in Boca Raton and has no remaining ties to the military]. How exactly did you get this job, Mr. Jaffe?

Jaffe: After Principal Killeen announced his departure, I was offered this position by the district. It’s been a pleasure working with all the wonderful staff and stu—

Falc: So, Killeen “departed” and you were “offered” the job?

Jaffe: Yes. Why are you using air quotes? Where are you taking my briefcase?

Falc: Mr. Jaffe, I’d prefer to be the one asking the questions. Your briefcase is being checked for possession of confidential documents regarding the disappearance of former Principal Killeen, military plans to overthrow the district and lead a coup, and any information on fundraisers or pep rallies we can use to fill space in our news section. Don’t worry, standard procedure. Now, is it true that you left SDUHSD for several years?

Jaffe: Yes. Is this— what is this wire hooked up to?

Falc: Definitely not a polygraph machine. What were you doing for that period of time? You were gone for 18 months, Mr. Jaffe. Certainly long enough to plan an elaborate overthrow of our delightful, overpopulated campus.

Jaffe: I was serving as principal of a small Jewish day school.

Falc: We’ll have to confirm that [Ed Note: Confirmed.] Is it also true that you were the founding principal of Canyon Crest Academy, our spiteful and better-funded neighbor?

Jaffe: I don’t think those adjectives are quite accurate, but yes, I was founding principal.

Falc: Aha! Out with it, Jaffe, did you or did you not abduct Principal Killeen in an attempt to merge TPHS and CCA into one hideous, artsy conglomerate: Torrey Canyon Acada-School?

Jaffe: I— what? What is happening?

Falc: Where have you taken Boris Killeen? Where is he now, in “Boca Raton” with “Uncle Gene?” Locked in a maximum security cell at “the small Jewish day school” that doesn’t exist? [Ed Note: The small Jewish day school does indeed exist; the question, however, is still valid.]

Jaffe: Who is Boris? Please stop shouting.

Falc: Come on, Jaffe, we all know your ridiculous cover story doesn’t hold up. Principal Killeen cannot survive long outside the protective confines of this school.

Jaffe: Brett? He’s doing fine! He is Assistant Superintendent of Human Relations at Vista Unified. He plays an important role in—

Falc: Even if that were a real job, Boris needs to return to his rightful place. He is an integral part of our school ecosystem, just as essential to our collective wellbeing as the poorly-attended pep rallies and fake grass and outdated technology. We need him!

Jaffe: Look, I’m not sure what you think is going on here, but I’m simply looking to serve a school that I have deep respect for and ensure that each student’s experience is—

Falc: Then why haven’t you bribed us with trampolines and frozen yogurt for our STAR test scores yet? Who do you think you are?

Jaffe: I—

Falc: You’re Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects except you can’t limp away because we, the Falconer staff, have caught you red-handed! You’re the crazy daughter from Legally Blonde who Reese Witherspoon catches because you didn’t clean up the evidence! You forgot the perm! You forgot the perm.

Jaffe: I am profoundly uncomfortable.

The Falconer will continue its investigation into our new principal’s possibly illicit activities, as is our journalistic duty. In the meantime, readers, please spread the word by tweeting #jaffegate and #findkilleen. In this difficult transition period, stay strong.

Disclaimer: This page is entirely fictional and written for humorous purposes.