11 Easy, Gluten-Free, Almost Legal Steps to Winning Senior’d Out

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If anyone asks, we never had this conversation. The Falconer is not liable for any physical or emotional damage incurred from following our advice. In fact, you should probably just not read this. Put down the paper slowly and walk away backwards. Slower. Slower. There, that’s it.

1. Learn to smell fear. For seniors, fear generally smells like stale sweat and the Common App.

2. What some call “stalking” others call “aggressive friendship.” Potayto, potahto.

3. Pipe cleaners are technically not weapons and can be used to disable your target momentarily when inserted quickly and forcefully into the ear. Gentle, but effective. Comes in the color of your choice.

4. Look around. Are you in a public setting? If so, read the following carefully: You are being watched. The girl who sits behind you in Econ? She has been following you for the past three hours. She will stop at nothing. Walk 18 steps to your right. A black van will be waiting there to take you to a safe house. Carrie and Brody are inside. Go.

5. We’re actually not quite sure what Senior’d Out is exactly. We get the sense it’s like “Apocalypto,” but worse. ASB, level with us, are we close?

6. Utilize our school’s natural resources to capture your opponent. Sharp pencils. Heavy textbooks. Use the smaller and meeker as human body shields. Show no mercy. (We’re legally obligated to tell you that you should probably show a little mercy.)

7. Win this and prove to your parents that you are both resourceful and determined. That’ll show them for not agreeing to your post-graduation backpacking trip across Europe. They just don’t get you. You were meant to go wherever the wind takes you, which is Paris, flying first class, because you really do need the leg room, and let’s be honest, it’s not like we can’t afford it. You’re a free spirit. A free spirit who needs several thousand dollars. Cough it up, Mom.

8. What’s up with all the fighting, everybody? How about we all just hunker down in my stepdad’s totally rad new rec room and watch “The Lion King,” and all of its direct-to-DVD sequels. That way, no one gets hurt and I can bake my famous ziti! Talk about putting the fun back in high school, am I right? Please be my friend.

9. The true secret to winning Senior’d Out is hiding from your pursuers. An ideal hiding place is our high school’s performing arts center, which, despite contrary reports, does indeed exist. Few are aware of its presence, so take advantage of this mysterious art cave and hide out there for the next week.

10. So, basically, in order to win this, I have to hide and be invisible? Ugh, story of my life. Being a teenager in one of the richest counties in the state is hard, you guys. Read more at my blog: angstyangstings.tumblr.com.

11. If you want to establish a certain space as a “safe zone” that is out of bounds for Senior’d Out, simply spray Axe body spray six times in the immediate vicinity, a process that mimics the odor emission of a skunk or other small woodland animal establishing its territory.

In the dry burn of dawn, when the ashes of your enemies are scattered throughout the land and the glory of war has both destroyed you and replenished you, lift your winnings — two Formal tickets — high above your head and know that your progeny will, for years to come, hear the story of your triumph over hundreds of bored and indifferent teenagers, who will all forget your name two seconds after it is announced over the PA.

This page is entirely fictional.