Hiya friends! Surprised to see us smiling up at you in print? We’re sending all our correspondence to our beloved Falcon families through snail mail now because our email was hacked (turns out we weren’t the winners of 3 iPads and $1 million in cash — we were hoodwinked! Can you believe it?! We sure can’t!). Please stay safe from hackers, everyone: bolt your doors, draw your blinds and invest in a padlock. We’re not too tech-savvy but we’re pretty sure they climb in through windows at night when all good Americans are sleeping. If you want to stay extra safe, change all your passwords to “password” — this will throw them off your trail. Those tips fulfill our district requirement of “technology curriculum integration” for the next 10 years — you see, we here at Torrey Pines believe in a well-rounded, balanced approach to education, grounded in a set of pure, wholesome family values.
On that note, gals of Torrey Pines: we have noticed that you aren’t being the respectable little ladies we know you are! You all seem to think you can simply wear whatever makes you comfortable, but this is not in line with all those values we mentioned up there. We know it’s a little hot out, but please restrain from revealing your brassiere straps or wearing anything that may suggest that you are indeed female — it is disruptive to the learning environment. How do you expect our young men to concentrate?! It’s all of your responsibilities to make sure they don’t have to learn to practice self-restraint and maturity. All we’re suggesting is that when it is 90 degrees outside and you are choosing what to wear, remember to ask yourself: “What would TPHS administration think is befitting of a young woman? Does my shirt perhaps have the capacity to suggest I am not a delicate and marriageable flower? What would Jesus want?” We suggest a calf-length pinafore and a girdle, but you may choose to spice this up however you choose, as long as the spice is called “modesty and ladylike pastels.” As for the fellas: keep on keepin’ on, you lil’ rascals! Aren’t they cute? They’re so cute.
And finally, AP testing is upon us and we have several updates to announce. In addition to standard security procedures, College Board will now also conduct X-ray scans and strip searches of every student signed up for an AP exam, and possibly arrest and detain those who aren’t (Why aren’t you taking one? What do you have to hide? Anything you want to tell us?) Please do not be alarmed or intimidated by these new procedures, and make sure not to look testing officials in the eye so as to not display contempt of cop. They may pull several of you aside for questioning — in which case, stay calm and do not implicate any of us in your treason/conspiracy/unauthorized use of mechanical pencils. Remember, get plenty of sleep, eat a healthy breakfast, try not to end up in solitary, and if you don’t know the answer to a question, just skip it and move on! Good luck Falcons! Get ready to squat and cough!