September Backpage


Things are heating up in a very literal way around campus as school-day temperatures hit record highs. Here are some tips to beat the heat:

• During the peak sun hours of 9 a.m. to 3 p.m., the B building, with its marvelous skylights and floor-to-ceiling windows, will be transformed into a 135,700 square foot toaster oven. If you happen to be sitting in class and, due to the heat, experience any of the following symptoms: dizziness, headaches, melting skin, hallucinations, blurred vision or early onset Alzheimer’s, simply grit your teeth and whisper the Falcon Fight Song several times. If you still require assistance (unlikely), help yourself to a sip of lukewarm maybe-water from one of our three complimentary on-campus fountains. Go! Fight! Win!

• If two or more (weak and dishonorable) kids in your class succumb to heat stroke, all 52 students in your class may have to relocate to an air conditioned room, as per (overindulgent and unnecessary) district protocol. In order to reach the haven of the sort-of less-hot E Building, you and your class will have to mass-migrate across the quad, at the open mercy of the cruel and unforgiving afternoon sun. Before you trek across this burning hellscape, consider bringing survival supplies as listed: a 3-day supply of water, a solar-powered radio, a multi-purpose Swiss army knife, a non-perishable collection of canned foods and a weather-resistant nylon tarp (available at the Student Store for $6! $5 with ASB card!). Know this: Not all of you will survive the journey. Do not stop to honor the fallen. Soldier on towards the promised land (sort-of less-hot E Building).

• We should clarify that much of the E Building is not actually air conditioned. Rather, our assistant principals alternate operating a hand-crank 3-blade fan, which then distributes air to four rooms at a rate of one complete rotation per minute. Thank you for your brave work, APs!

We also have a few exciting updates to announce:
• You may have noticed that the many trees that used to droop limply throughout campus have been ripped wholesale by the root and destroyed, leaving behind yellowing lawns, dusty topsoil and, perhaps most interestingly, an arrangement of large boulders near the outdoor bathrooms not entirely unlike a small-scale replica of Stonehenge. This was definitely a conscious landscaping choice and not an inadvertent result of year-long Prop AA renovations. We simply decided that a campus resembling the barren, lifeless stretches of the Mojave Desert and without discernible distractions, is most conducive to a healthy and productive learning environment.

• Speaking of Prop AA renovations, we are happy to reveal that the tranquil drilling and construction noises you may be hearing during class and the increasingly congested traffic inconveniencing everyone in the mornings are the direct consequences of a thrilling development; we are building a new and improved weight room! We realize that the one thing every TPHS student wishes for at the end of each school day is a weight room that could meet all of their personal fitness needs — we have heard your prayers, TPHS, and we are answering them! Using millions of dollars granted to us by the state of California — enough for several hundred portable air conditioners, but why think inside the box, right? — we will soon provide, among a myriad of other exciting exercise equipment, not 10, not 20, but 300 Shake Weights, ready for use in one calendar year. Start counting down the days, Falcons!