Note to Readers: We usually don’t publish editorials written by our readers for one reason: Our readership is comprised wholly of our parents (who would like to let us know that they are very, very proud of us and we should keep up the hard work but be home by 7:00 p.m. because we’re having spaghetti tonight!) In fact, if you’re reading this and aren’t genetically linked to one of our staffers, we’d like to thank you for making it this far — you’re a trooper, and frankly, a living miracle.
This is why we were so surprised when Sharon McWasp, who is unrelated to anyone on our staff and seems to have just sprung, khaki-clad, from the suburban ether, demanded that we publish the following guest column, her response to what she calls “the corruption of America’s youth.” We would like to stress that the opinions expressed here do not reflect the opinions of the Falconer staff, nor, we hope, the opinions of any human being other than Sharon McWasp.
First, some introductions: My name is Sharon. I am a proud Virgo; I love arts and crafts and driving several miles per hour under the speed limit. But most of all, I am a concerned parent. With Halloween upon us, it is my responsibility to inform you impressionable young’uns that the truly spooky situations do not involve ghouls or ghosts, but the smoking of the pots and the posting of “selfys” in the nude. Boo, indeed! Here are a few tips for putting together a safe, family-friendly, wholesome Halloween celebration, as God intended:
•All of the food you provide must be gluten-free, dairy-free, peanut-and-shellfish-free, sugar-free, and free from any discernible taste. You may consider simply sticking a fork in a pumpkin and calling it a day (make sure the pumpkin is cage-free!). Instructions for making “Fork in a Pumpkin” are as follows: 1. Cut a 5-inch-by-5-inch square into the pumpkin. 2. Stick a fork in it (bedazzling the fork is a wonderful option). 3. Force the whole pumpkin into a mason jar. Delicious! Check my Pinterest for further details.
•Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to purchase a nurse costume from your local Halloween store. Instead of the four-part, corseted, hoop skirted and bonneted Florence Nightingale period piece you were hoping for, you will find a strip of red spandex labeled “Cardiac Arrest” that apparently is to be worn as a dress (!) Take my word for it, store management will be less than understanding when you insist that there has been a mistake, since this is clearly a jezebel or harlot costume for chippies who post “selfys” in the nude. Rather than bothering with all of this, simply make your own 18th century nurse costume with the following household goods: tarp, raw cotton, under-ruffles, authentic tricornes and beaver fur. Check my blog, sharondoesitherself.blogspot.com, for further details.
•No Halloween party is complete without some spooky tunes! But not too spooky. In fact, you must not play any of the songs usually considered Halloween classics by the pagan and misinformed, such as “Monster Mash,” which is proven to cause nightmares among children and dogs. You should consider instead playing “The Best of Bing Crosby,” an album with 6 hours worth of Bing Crosby’s vocal stylings, the musical equivalent of a tall, white glass of whole soy milk.
There you have it, my tips for having the safest and healthiest Halloween possible! Check back next month for my thoughts on how to raise and slaughter your very own Thanksgiving turkey (Editor’s Note: We will not be having Sharon McWasp back next month, or any month).