December Backpage

DEFCON TPHS

It’s no secret that things at TPHS have been a little crazy as of late. Between shooting threats originating from an app whose name sounds like the noise a farm animal makes when it feels threatened to there being a couple of days when actual rain fell from the actual sky, it seems that “bring the chaos” has perhaps been interpreted a little too literally. The Falconer has conducted a thorough investigation into the administration’s handling of these emergencies and discovered this color-coded threat level chart, which we are now bravely printing in full

TPHS SECURITY ADVISORY SYSTEM

SEVERE:

Severe risk, otherwise known as Code Cardinal, entails the deployment of the SDPD as well as our school paratroopers (assistant principals). Potential causes of Code Cardinal include explicitly violent threats written on social media, vaguely disgruntled threats written on social media, and pretty much anything written by pretty much anyone on social media. Although students are constantly under the threat of death, they are still required by state law to show up to school happy, awake, and ready to learn, fully aware that they may have to pee in a trashcan at some point in the day. To do otherwise would be to let the terrorists win.

HIGH:

High risk, or, Code Tangerine, involves a routine call and email sent out to Falcon Families establishing that yet another individual wishes to rain bullets and terror down upon our campus, but otherwise, it’s business as usual. At the most a halfhearted fire alarm may go off, and students will wonder blearily if this means they won’t have to take that math test next period while exactly zero people will wonder if their lives are in danger. Causes include threats written on bathroom walls in Sharpie and threats written in ketchup on napkins found around campus.

ELEVATED:

Elevated risk, Code Mustard, is reserved only for situations in which birds**t and/or trees are falling on students. If a tree falls on you or a bird takes a s**t on you, please remain calm. Take a couple deep breaths and recall that you signed several waivers at the beginning of the year that exempt the school from blame. Remember angrily that you cannot sue anyone. Call your lawyer anyway. Wear a body cast for six months and develop a crippling phobia of trees and/or birds that stays with you for the rest of your life.

GUARDED:

Guarded risk, or Code Blù, comprises all water-related incidents at our drought diseased school. In the case of the main water line rupturing, school will remain open. Who needs running water when we have the joy of learning? Simply quench your thirst for knowledge with a good book! Also, no toilets. Sorry.

LOW:

Low Risk, otherwise known as Code Are You Sure?, is the threat level at which there are virtually no threats. But are you completely, totally sure there are none? Have you checked everywhere? What about that gross stall in the outdoor bathrooms? Terror can strike at any time. Remember: those damn kids have about seven thousand different apps to vent their dangerous angst on. What about that kid with the guyliner wearing the Insane Clown Posse shirt posting about “annihilation” on ask.fm? Does that kid check out? Yeah, we didn’t think so.