Happy New Year, Sheep!

Holiday season has passed, and so we go on into 2015, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. I’m sure most of us are desperately clinging to the last vestiges of winter break and all that is good in the world (read: anything but finals and the dastardly SAT, which, coincidentally, is the same week as finals). “Why, God, why,” asked students across the country. The answer is this: God isn’t real. Students across the country are delusional. They should instead accept the devil, who has free shipping and comes complete with a neat little acorn logo! He is all they have now.

But seriously. The holidays are over, and we must face the facts. It’s time for a new year, kicked off with swanky New Year’s Eve parties and the simulation of a real holiday. Not to say that any other holiday is more real. I’m of the personal opinion that all holidays are government tools to keep us sheeple fat, sated and subservient, not actual tradition. Take Thanksgiving: Is there proof that the pilgrims really did share a feast with the Native Americans in celebration of a good harvest? Yes? Well, hate to break it to you, but it’s fake. History is fabricated. Nothing is real. The Native Americans actually cannibalized the pilgrims and made a nice stew — honestly, they got what was coming to them.

So now that you’re on your way to enlightenment, let me share with you another alarming truth: The whole New Year’s “resolution” business is perhaps the most significant means of keeping the masses meek and easily subjugated.

“What? That’s absurd,” you say. Go on, say it. Mock me, like all the others. But first hear me out: No matter what your approach is to New Year’s resolutions, you lose. If you make resolutions, you probably won’t complete most of them, branding you a failure. If you make just one resolution and succeed, you will be invigorated! And then you realize that this one success is insignificant, just like you. If you don’t make any resolutions, you are listless and forlorn, disappointed in yourself and adrift in an indifferent universe. You are always left feeling weak-willed and malleable. There is no winning against the Overlord — read: Obama. Both words start with the letter O. Do you see it now? The irrefutable truth?

I, too, have fallen victim to this trap. I remember my 12-year-old self  resolving to do 10 pushups before bed every night, increasing the number over time, to strengthen my 12-year-old muscles so that one day I could become a ninja. I’m 90 percent sure that was my actual reason at the time. I’m also 100 percent sure that it is still my reason for doing anything ever. But becoming a ninja was clearly not enough of a motivating factor back then. I kept with the routine for approximately two weeks before I fell back into the sinister claws of sloth. And so I became who I am today: a sniveling loser, writing this with only the strange burst of willpower that comes at the beginning of a new year, making my last stand against the corruption of New Year’s resolutions. After which I will once more lose all resolve, becoming a dull shadow of a real human being. The future seems so bleak.

Haha! Just kidding; I’m Chinese, so I get wads of cash in red envelopes in like two weeks. I think my New Year’s resolution will be to “obtain money.” After all, why set yourself up for failure?

Disclaimer: I don’t actually think holidays and New Year’s resolutions are government conspiracies, but writing this half-convinced me that they might be. I should get more sleep.