How to Pay for College: A Definitive Guide
This issue, we outlined the different ways students can pay for college in our Focus section. However, if you are still confused about or frustrated with your payment options, or are just unsure of how to approach student loans, we have compiled several alternative methods for you to consider:
1. Organ “donation”: If you think about it, having two kidneys is just an unnecessary hassle. Why waste all that internal abdominal space on a superfluous second kidney, when you could quite easily profit with the simple help of a PayPal account and a goateed back alley surgeon named Mikey. One kidney pays for: one Psych 101 textbook.
2. Human being “donation”: The logical extension of organ donation is donating a full human being, organs and all. Sit down all of your immediate family members and tell them that, frankly, if they cared at all about your higher education, they would allow themselves to be sold into the human trafficking industry in order to finance your private school tuition. One mid-sized human being pays for: first year meal plan.
3. Part-time job: All you lazy, coddled millennials haven’t done an honest day’s work in your life. Back in the old days the men were real men, who worked hard on the weekends to pay for their $50-per-year college costs. Simply find a job at a decent place of business, like a bookstore or a Blockbuster, and stop complaining! Neither bookstores nor Blockbusters exist anymore, but one year’s worth of work at a minimum-wage job pays for: 1/4000 of a college semester.
4. Gambling: After being saddled with mountains of interest and pursued relentlessly by loan sharks, you may want to consider taking up a casual interest in gambling. Sure, you’ll lose a couple thousand times, and you might feel yourself slipping imperceptibly further into the cold, clammy hands of debt, but if you win this next round, you could pay back all of that and more! And you could finally get a hot meal, and maybe even an apartment, and — oh, oh. So close, but not quite. Maybe on the next try? 5 straight days at a slot machine pays for: McNuggets after trip to bail bonds office.
5. Blackmailing the financial aid office: Hear us out. If you have exhausted every other financial aid option, blackmail might be your best bet. Stake out the financial aid office with hidden microphones and cameras. Gain the trust of all those who work there. Befriend a hacker. Mine the trash bins for incriminating credit card receipts. Gather their secrets and exploit them. One extramarital affair pays for: two semesters abroad in Europe.
6. Couch cushions: Have you checked under them? There must be some change under there.